Wishful thinking

Trying to be endlessly understanding of Chris, Ian and I grew frustrated and tired of continuing to support him in “activities” that were keeping him occupied but not leading to a job or education. We were getting panicky about lost time. We wanted desperately to launch him into independent living, away from us, preferably as a full time university student. We felt we had micro-parented him far too long. Making Chris the focus of our attention had alienated Taylor and Alex.

Ian and I found a small college that offered environmental and music courses and a work program in a tranquil mountain setting. We arranged to visit the college with Chris when we took our vacation in August. We were hoping he could possibly start as early as January 2009 if he could see himself in that setting. We were also very concerned that Chris would be feeling lonely and left behind now that his youngest brother Taylor was leaving home soon to begin university. Alex was still away at university. Of our three sons, there would be just Chris at home now.

There were problems with our strategy, which the coming months would prove to be a big mistake. Chris continued to have difficulties, even though he could now "pass for normal", in social situations. Chris still had a great capacity to intellectually complicate a simple thought. He seemed to know where he was going with it and what the connection was, but it was obscure to the rest of us. Five and a half years after his acute psychotic breakdown, he was hesitant in his physical demeanor, lagging behind others a bit, not sure how to enter a room and when and where to sit down in it. All this signaled to me an unease with his environment, a body/mind disconnect. He was so much better overall and looking so well, that many mothers may have stopped there and thought this is it, this is the most I can expect, given all that has happened and all that is predicted about the chronic nature of schizophrenia. I wanted Chris to be even better because I knew he could be. I also wanted him cured. I had been operating under the assumption that the vitamin therapy would bring his biochemistry in line and this in turn would clear up his convoluted thinking and odd physical mannerisms, but not so.

I was also very aware that if Chris was ever going to be able to live away from home it was well worth taking the time to allow him to recover more, to do more therapies, even if this precipitated a further crisis.